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Dear Dr. Simon,
I'm an emotional mess, and don’t know how to get out of this state. I have been separated/divorced for nine years and have only had one relationship in that time, which lasted nine months. I am very hurt and have alienated people from my life because of my hurt and feelings of betrayal. I have no joy in my life. I work two jobs to make ends meet and feel very lonely, and I have no motivation. I feel lost and don’t know how to change.
Thank you for any guidance you can offer.
Answer: Nine years is a long time to nurse a wound. As a doctor, I give you permission to begin healing. It’s natural to feel pain when our needs aren’t met and our boundaries are violated, but life is too short to spend it in anguish. Something has to change, and you’ll find that if you mobilize some discipline to change a few aspects of your life, many things will shift. Without knowing more details about your specific situation, I can offer you some general recommendations. Here are the top three areas for change that I would encourage you to focus on:
1) Learn and engage in a daily meditation practice. This will cultivate a state of inner comfort that becomes increasingly less dependent upon the situations, circumstances, and people around you. Learn more about meditation here.
2) Begin a daily exercise program that includes training in flexibility, strength, and cardiovascular fitness. This will help move your mind and body out of its current pattern of stagnation.
3) For 48 hours, make a commitment not to eat any junk food, refined sugar, animal products, and caffeine. Focus on healthy fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, and legumes.
Take one step towards freedom and your mind and body will begin to move from constriction to expansion. You may also want to consider coming to one of our Free to Love workshops, where you will learn the skills and receive the support that will help you remember that you are at essence a lovable person, worthy of a happy life.
I wish you the best on your healing journey.
Love,
David
Dear Dr. Simon,
The past year has been filled with some traumatic events for me. I was told that my husband was going to die from severe thrombosis (he was only 29) and then the surgeons discovered he had a heart defect, which saved his life (not allowing the clots to travel to the lungs). This was a week of exhaustion for me, being with him night and day at hospital. My 16-year-old son had had an operation (minor hip surgery) two weeks prior to this, which worried me. Then two weeks later my two boys nearly drowned in the ocean as I stood helpless, and all I could do was watch as they were saved (that gave me night terrors). A couple of weeks later my Mum was told that her test results showed possible secondary cancer to her breast and liver (turned out to be benign lesions). Prior to all of this I had to have a breast biopsy, which really frightened me but turned out to be okay.
I now suffer from horrible anxiety attacks triggered by a fear that I am going to die of cancer, particularly breast cancer. I cannot stop thinking about it and am even checking my breasts about 10 times a day for lumps, which I think are cysts but am too scared to go to the doctor to find out.
The anxiety comes on at any time. I cannot fall asleep at night, and when I do I wake up about 3 hours later and cannot drift back to sleep. I have read many a book, Deepak's included. I have started doing yoga once a week, and I am trying to get into a pattern of meditating 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes in the evening. I am even seeing a life coach who has told me I am a Vata Pitta dosha and is teaching me more about balancing my doshas. All these things seem to temporarily help me, but a few hours later the anxious feelings return. This reduced me to tears this morning (not the first time) as I had only slept three hours from worrying. I know these are only thoughts but I feel I cannot control them.
Can you suggest anything to help me? I am only 36 and I know that what I am constantly thinking about will manifest in my body at some time, and that frightens me so much. I feel very alone and out of control. Will the meditation take a long time to work and is there a specific type of meditation to use for something like this? Is there anything else I should be doing? I really appreciate your advice. Thank you so much in advance.
Answer:
Wow! You’ve been through a lot of seriously stressful events in a short time. Anyone in your situation would be reeling. The good news is that it sounds as if despite many potential disasters, things didn’t turn out to be as foreboding as they seemed. Most people in states of anxiety expend a tremendous amount of time and effort worrying about what never comes to pass. Ruminating about the past or worrying about the future squeezes out the joy and comfort that we can only experience through present moment awareness.
It is great that you are meditating twice a day, and I encourage you to continue with that. Since your body is carrying a lot of stored stress, I’d expand your yoga from once a week to a daily practice. Also, adding 20 to 30 minutes of cardiovascular activity to your daily regimen will give your mind-body the opportunity to release the stressful effects of the fight-or-flight response, which is triggered by your turbulent thoughts.
Drawing upon a cognitive-behavioral therapy technique, see if every time you notice that you are engaging in scary or painful thoughts about the past, you can do a “pattern interrupt” by reminding yourself that everything turned out fine. Tell yourself that you deserve a period of time when life isn’t throwing you such major challenges. In the short run, you may want to supplement your diet with the herb Ashwagandha, which has stress-modulating effects that can help relieve anxiety. If possible, at some point you may want to immerse yourself in the body-mind-spirit intensive care unit we have at the Chopra Center – our Perfect Health program – with the intention of breaking the cycle so that you can again enjoy your life.
With love,
David
